Urgh, my boss just screamed at me. I didn't take it personally.

I'll just follow his example and scream at my subordinates; I think that's what he's trying to teach me, right? I'll just wait until they make a particularly trivial mistake and then melt their faces off.

You use subtext by implying more than, or other than what you're saying explicitly. It is usually faster or more diverse than what is possible to say out loud.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Monday, 18 August 2008 7:12 PM
0 comment(s)

Things are going wrong better.

I'm so grateful I discovered Newton Circle's Hainanese Chicken Rice so early in life.

Their chilli has crack in it; it's got chilli and zing. I call it chilli-zing. And their chicken stock broth; I nearly drowned in my own saliva, my mouth watered so much.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Friday, 15 August 2008 6:17 PM
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I was deeply moved and now, haunted by the mouth-watering softness of the chinese beef dish I ate the previous evening.

I sing, "Ah kissed a girl en'Ah lark d'it."

I use words like things that mean other stuff (images). It's language baby, yeeeaaahh!!!

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Thursday, 14 August 2008 5:41 PM
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I said goodbye with utter & abandoned courage and my heart responded, "That's good. You did well", it said.

When someone comes back into your life whom you never expected to see again, it's uncanny against a background of feelings teeming in a void, with the semblance and sound effect of a thunderstorm.

My new pants remind me of the war, the fashionable one; straight cut, rustic, anonymous...

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Thursday, 7 August 2008 7:56 PM
11 comment(s)

An older (than me) lover whom I was torridly with ten years ago contacted me out of the blue, begged serious forgiveness and asked to be friends. My mind blew and I said "okay."

A girl I'd recently been making friends with always left it to me to make the invitation. I called her up on it. She threw a tantrum. I distance myself. Her tantrum doubled. I distance myself. I feel okay.

Fish oil tablets and multi-vitamin intake has caused my mouth to water whenever I'm eating; it's rather enjoyable.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Tuesday, 5 August 2008 4:25 PM
3 comment(s)

It feels like a sore bubble with ill fitting feelings sluicing through each other around it's surface.

I don't enjoy being the strong one but it gets easier every time.

I didn't get a wink of sleep last night but I didn't worry; "it's just shock", I decided.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Wednesday, 23 July 2008 10:26 AM
14 comment(s)

I have the habit of leaping before I look. Today I let the habit take a leap without me.

Standing there, I began to expect more of us.

Forces stirred under my feet but I dare not show my hand, because for once I sense I have one to cover.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Friday, 18 July 2008 11:48 AM
8 comment(s)

Today I am ruled by intuition. I don't like to give away the size of my intuition; it's embarrassing for a man. But I just breathe easier when I let it run.

I've been standing more now. It feels good to stand like a soldier. I'm amazed how people adjust to the posture you present.

I've been going out in public and using red wine. It feels strange to be seen by people of late. It's as though they're looking straight at me; whereas earlier they appeared to not see me correctly or else looked through me. It's thrilling and frightening to be looked at properly.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Wednesday, 16 July 2008 7:27 PM
7 comment(s)

I have enough energy now to project nourishing images of everything onto everything else. I think it's the fish oil tablets.

I've started a blog group entitled, "People Who Only Walk in Curves." I recently became one; it's parkour (french street acrobatics) for the pedestrian. It also comes from a similarly philosophical aegis about the context personal movement creates.

I became so close to a girl on the weekend I began to have trust issues. Thankfully, they begin to resolve as you read this and I enjoy a lovely sense of room to use language and pacing as I please.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Monday, 14 July 2008 00:36 AM
6 comment(s)

I've an overwhelming sensation of sticking in the wheels of power today and responding assertively. It feels nice.

It's dastardly cold here but worse, people use that as a - monotonous - conversation piece, like suffering cold is fascinating. I reluctantly force myself to be effusive, to avoid disclosing my embarrassment in front of the talker.

There's few things more frightening to the ego than suspecting you're forced to pretend you're not witnessing crazy-tripping.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Wednesday, 9 July 2008 7:48 PM
7 comment(s)

I've decided I'm only going to walk in curves from now on. Eventually I hope to talk only in curves as well but that appears more difficult.

I'm forming an image of the kind of woman I'd like to meet now. For some reason the image includes a Torana. If you knew me you'd know how strange that seems. I daren't question my intuition.

I've also decided to segment everyday life by scenes. How to open and close scenes is the first order of business.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Thursday, 3 July 2008 6:56 PM
12 comment(s)

I discovered today that I'm clairvoyant. I have visions of scenes from movies which then days or weeks later appear on TV. It's happened so many time it can't be a coincident.

I feel blessed at the moment as in unrelated good incidents align to form a rhythm.

My confidence is returning properly without being forced and with it my wit, resourcefulness and alacrity.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Tuesday, 17 June 2008 6:13 PM
9 comment(s)

A lovely girl came in. She talked, with what I thought was self deprecation. I appeared to be very funny and at ease - unself-conscious. She had a fine form and I felt no shame in admiring her.

I got some calculations done with marked ease. I love the way difficulties improve. Practice has always been a foreign concept to me. I either get it or I drop it. I thing [sic] practice invariably requires a supportive environment before it's even possible.

Everything seems to be running smoothly today. I want to feel uneasy about it because I'm not used to feeling in equilibrium. I quit smoking that's why. My body is so relieved.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Monday, 16 June 2008 5:51 PM
10 comment(s)

Electrically charged, he likes long walks on the edge,  surface games & repeat encounters

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Thursday, 12 June 2008 09:58 AM
7 comment(s)

The consequence of everything everyone didn't mean to do, still happening

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Friday, 9 May 2008 10:10 AM
17 comment(s)

Video Art is a misnomer; it's usually on DVD. It's DVD Art. Painting should be called Canvas Art. Yep.

Filed under: None | Posted by Thumper at Thursday, 8 May 2008 00:57 AM
15 comment(s)

The making-redundant of the very thing that was extraordinary in the previous period.

Filed under: De-concepts | Posted by Thumper at Wednesday, 30 April 2008 11:39 AM
15 comment(s)

The successful placement of a simple thing amidst complexity.

Filed under: De-concepts | Posted by Thumper at Wednesday, 30 April 2008 11:38 AM
14 comment(s)

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Wednesday, 16 April 2008 5:01 PM
16 comment(s)

Oh... I don't get the help they get... okay.

No really, now I know.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Tuesday, 15 April 2008 6:24 PM
13 comment(s)

I felt the slightest brush of good will, where none would come, and then it vanished like a wild creature not accustomed to our human presence. It remains in the vicinity though and would surely return curious.

Silent, my endless waiting sits fading out, displaced by something else that skipped the longest beat and now refraining, brings gentle, super strains.

They are memories that age us.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Monday, 14 April 2008 5:17 PM
26 comment(s)

The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame. This is not how I remember this Oscar Wilde Quote. But the gist of it haunts me today, in a remarkably medicinal way.   I made a short film; wrote my own music - for entering into a film festival. It's just over a minute long.   "I see you being more comfortable and suave now", a friend suggested. Right on!   I feel the possibility of something previously impossible now unfolding, working. I no longer need it to work, hence the change in fortune; ask Proust

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Sunday, 13 April 2008 3:56 PM
11 comment(s)

As the distance between my ex-beloved and I increases and my strength returns, all I want to do is squander it on solutions come-too-late; nevermind a better, wiser life coming on. I want these solutions for staving off the monstrous feminine (as someone misnamed it (I think misnamed it)) of my abyssal loss; a womb recycled from what is now no longer.

Look I just feel bottomless sadness for her; not for the pain I caused but for the pain that was already there and by far the worser, before ever I appeared. Any words I want to say of late, immediately ripple with echoes of subconscious hurt I already had nothing to do with.

And I can't but do nothing now. And yet, I won't confuse my doing nothing with being neglectful, weak or abandoning to her. Because feeling bad for 'doing nothing' is about shame; it's a sentence that ends with something like, '...nothing that counts, that will work, will matter, change the situation, will not exacerbate, escalate, ruin, utterly compromise...' When all I've got of a person is not enough to make sense of them anymore without tearing my own heart out, then somebody somewhen else with no business, and no abiding interest in repair, has sabotaged the conditions for our coming together, and I am justified; I did do everything I could.

It sucks when it's the fault of someone absent or anonymous, there's no one accessible to blame; it's the shaming, invisible 'they' just over the event horizon, who did nothing.

I will do nothing and it will be fully ethical. I rock so hard again.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Thursday, 10 April 2008 10:24 AM
17 comment(s)

When order is restored, nostalgia becomes the matter of dangerous echoes.

That's all I have to say about that.

Except that it suck when you become the of-late subject of your own past schadenfreude.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Wednesday, 9 April 2008 6:18 PM
18 comment(s)

I awoke this morning feeling panic at a less than overwhelming level. The wrenching, tearing action of memories of love-as-though-still-occurring dipped below overwhelming about mid-morning. You'd hope so after 7 and a half weeks of recovery and weekly therapy.

"... the only thing that's real is what you feel... "

Bugger...

Let me land gently.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Monday, 7 April 2008 00:59 AM
8 comment(s)

Confused, art students were flushed from the threshold by security and staff. Nicotine alone would quash their artistic psyches, making it safe before re-entering the big wide world. A place to smoke was no longer available. Exposed, they lit up on the very road, certain it was not art school property. Road safety, overtook shame as the clearest threat to their day's continuity.

Adjectives in a sentence are strung together, philosphically, with those pertaining to the perception of the viewer coming first then those describing the quality of the object sitting next to the noun: 'gorgeous, little, yellow book'.  Gorgeous in the mind of the viewer. Little compared to the viewer. Yellow as an essence of the book itself.

This mediation of predicate to object in a single sentence mirrors something in the relation of subject to object across an entire story.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Friday, 4 April 2008 11:01 AM
9 comment(s)

Black was my left 4th toe (the piggy 'who had none') from the accidental kick it gave the bottom of the couch yesterday. Crack it went and though awake, more so I became.

"Are you sure you're ready to face the world?" someone asked today, in all sincerity, holding the door. "How polite", I thought and no I was not sure. Out the door I went nonetheless. "Time will tell", I add now.

A small disposable camera was sent to me in the mail; a promotion. I gave it to my colleague who knew how to use it when I did not.

In The Lord of the Rings the scriptwriters often put the adjective at the beginning of the sentence; "Dark has been my mood of late."

The best technique for writing fiction I've ever come across is 'loose description': A guy goes into a place where there's another guy and they talk about something important to the story. I've read several author's draft manuscripts where they fill in parts with this technique. I think it's fascinating - and not at all obvious - because fiction is an act always already made within a matrix of power. It's like putting up scaffold. The trick I think then is to approach the continued story-making with the same degree of 'loose'.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Wednesday, 2 April 2008 5:11 PM
12 comment(s)

Surly, odd but shiny ne'erdowell seeks cruelly sexy, fallen princess with a pounding heart of gold for fun, touching, laughs & moments of lovesick heartache

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Saturday, 29 March 2008 1:01 PM
12 comment(s)

I left something at home today but I can't tell if it matters, or if the object alone is the complete extent.

I can't tell what's happening though it seems as familiar as it does unprecedented, amidst a greater event.

I have doubts, perhaps consciously for the first time about something and yet there is also a shameful certainty I've never experienced before.

I can't tell whether it's because of the select things that happened this week, a hunger for the next beat in a profound rhythm or simply, the ever-emerging & relentless unknown. The ambiguity angers me; it's melodrama embarrasses. I rub my new haircut for insight and pretend that an ensemble of specific virtual things is in otherwise, close proximity.

The endless multitude chatters remotely, oblivious and yet, knowing.

I scream inappropriately for sameness, free of variation or novelty.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Friday, 28 March 2008 10:40 AM
13 comment(s)

The problem is no longer there, as it was; sad as that is.

Numbers flowed today, the weight of distraction, the wince & wine, splintering; light.

I haven't returned to the same normal now and nor am I comfortable yet, landing safely.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Tuesday, 25 March 2008 7:14 PM
11 comment(s)

March is the deadline for sleeping; after that I wake up again.

Hard to imagine I'm still here; I don't know how that works.

C & L both make it real for me and I'm surprised, though why, that they respond so matter of factly.

To me it's an unprecedented event still. I do feel the strains of what might now be possible both in terms of succeeding and recovery from success.

I kept thinking anxiety sprung from not being able to trust myself but not knowing myself anymore was more accurate.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Sunday, 23 March 2008 7:43 PM
21 comment(s)

Sweetly, the weight of the moment shifted. The pain of anything at all new, so keen, touched every movement, physical or otherwise. His normal appearance struggled to keep the excruciation folded inwards.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Tuesday, 18 March 2008 09:47 AM
17 comment(s)

Today I had an outrageous urge; in it's straightforwardness. I wanted 'something fun.' But here's the rub, I wanted it as a central motive; an aegis; like breathing but more protean, infantile in it's force & definition.

Outrageous because it felt sovereign, obvious and regained. After many months of feeling like I'd slumped back down to the bottom of a mountain, it's like I suddenly turned away from the face and saw the view.

Fun; noisome, dangerous, wild & illustrative.

Filed under: None | Posted by Thumper at Sunday, 16 March 2008 8:03 PM
16 comment(s)

Today I initiated an exciting new exercise. Every next person I encounter I preconceive as crazy.

The shock of pieces of loopy exploding off the surface of seemingly 'normal' people simply became too much. And the effort to pretend then as though a 'nothing' had happened was like having to ignore a particularly noxious fart several times an hour. The thrill of surprise at bits of normalcy being secreted from (now) crazy people is so novel and refreshing; and takes far less effort.

Results to follow...

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Friday, 14 March 2008 3:05 PM
12 comment(s)

"I have a large hope", he said. He revealed it upon his open, outstretched palm. It was shiny, but without surface.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Thursday, 13 March 2008 4:57 PM
15 comment(s)

I wallowed (again) on my TOIL day, yesterday but not intense wallowing; more like necessary convalescence. I just know from the previous experience that if I push too hard at anything, I’ll end up calling her in my momentary madness and that must never be an option again. I had today off as well since I’m working this evening.

Two thoughts arose today which feel like a clima(c)tic change:

I can’t be arsed (fitting in, holding on, letting go, making sense, being open, shutting down, forgiving, blaming, trying, not trying)
It’s not alright (what’s happened, what is happening, the world, my place in it)

Just so you know, therapy starts tomorrow, but I’m pretty sure these thoughts feel self-loving.

I finished this first time novel today, The Opposite of Love about a girl who ends a perfectly good relationship and she doesn't really know why (read: fucked up), at the same time she quits her job after an incident of sexual harassment with her direct boss and, discovers her primary parent is dying from Alzheimer's & cancer. Naturally I totally identified with her shunned love interest and made notes on every page, well... responses really, of recognition. It was gripping me, mainly because it looked like the shunned love-interest (read: me) was going to stand firm against her genuine pleas for reconciliation so that she would have to find a way of moving on, regardless of how awful she felt. Sadly, through the course of therapy she found the skills to communicate sufficiently with him and they got back together. It was such a blow to me I can’t tell you.

Filed under: None | Posted by Thumper at Tuesday, 11 March 2008 9:26 PM
21 comment(s)

I re-classified my thoughts under two exclusive priorities: pertaining to the past & relevant to the future. It made today very empty.

My best friend misses me terribly. I miss me too.

The DVD I hired is late. Will they waive the late fee?

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Friday, 7 March 2008 4:07 PM
11 comment(s)

My best friend went to Melbourne on Monday which tore my wafer-thin self. I wish I could follow her but I never seem to make it in my head. She isn't coping there but that's never stopped her.

My ex is a Tester, I worked out today. In my memory, and regardless of circumstance, she drives me until I break. I'm so glad it's not my fault now. I hope she finds someone who doesn't break; because I can't imagine she will. She might. It's important to me.

I'm using a Gripmaster to strengthen my fingers. I want to play guitar and write for long distances.

Filed under: None | Posted by Thumper at Thursday, 6 March 2008 6:42 PM
8 comment(s)

The Mobile Arts v The Stationary Arts
The Discreet Arts v The Vague Arts
The Anything Arts v The Something Arts

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Thursday, 28 February 2008 5:04 PM
8 comment(s)

Abstract volition amidst anonymous conditions connecting in signature rhythm emitting a non-discreet, driving emotional note.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Wednesday, 27 February 2008 5:47 PM
14 comment(s)

It takes only six weeks for one's heart to push an arrowhead out from even it's softest, deepest fold, provided you don't pry at it and push it back in.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Tuesday, 26 February 2008 5:43 PM
15 comment(s)

I can’t proceed without this. Things are going elsewhere today; feeling safe in the open. I appear to know how to look after myself all of a sudden; as though I didn’t before, though I did and didn't believe I did. And she bought me a stapler today, out of the blue and yet, it fits the score. I kept looking at the back of brochures for most of the day. Change occurs less than relentlessly, welcomely; in me as well, though nascent & at a pace. I’ll go home tonight and have a lovely dinner and my thoughts will be uncannily pleasant. She will call and I’ll be supportive without even trying, as though reading from a script, I'd prepared elsewhen. The air is moderate inside and that is timely. I never expect to get more skilful, to improve my flourish until it's discovered. I don't understand why I know how to read this. Perhaps it's natural.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Monday, 25 February 2008 5:26 PM
227 comment(s)

Arriving at that same point again, a signal since covered by a veil of poorer experience, flashed. The rhythm of events became tacit. He humbled such ambition as there existed in the fray, sitting in the stream that wasn't really there and bathed in the unfamiliar sense.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Sunday, 24 February 2008 4:33 PM
132 comment(s)

Their presence was a reminder of normal best practice. Sadness, sensational yet comforting suffused the event such as it occurred. He acted with a brutal confidence that his own thoughts were effective.

Filed under: Josie Tales | Posted by Thumper at Friday, 22 February 2008 10:28 AM
8 comment(s)

Wearing off, the feeling of special suffering began to lose it's significance. Nothing real was lost it seemed, no forgetting as such required. He did not miss what he now remembered as magic, now as unlikely.

Filed under: None | Posted by Thumper at Wednesday, 20 February 2008 5:05 PM
22 comment(s)

Like the previous three, the discovery appeared as much deathly as it was banal. Familiarity with the end again threatened to bring on that quality of invisibility, of playing dead; from not knowing how to change in time. Feeling singularly prized & painfully colourful and terrified by the prospect of being caught in the open, he trembled violently and broke into an impossible flight.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Monday, 18 February 2008 8:48 PM
10 comment(s)

The volume, passing with a sickening roar failed ever to subside. Wracked, turgid with overwhelming relief and buffeted by the flow, the sensation was too ubiquitous to be visible or satisfying. He knew the end would come sweet but dare not say when, or soon.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Thursday, 14 February 2008 3:10 PM
12 comment(s)

Do not look at pictures, nor utter the names of places, nor listen to songs they liked, nor say their name or phrases they used, nor speculate on who they are (no longer) nor find an excuse to call where there is now no exchange. Do none of these, until a time comes when you no longer feel a need to; indeed until you forget to. The closer you think these'll bring you, the further from everything it'll send you.

Filed under: None | Posted by Thumper at Tuesday, 12 February 2008 3:42 PM
85 comment(s)

Filed under: None | Posted by Thumper at Tuesday, 12 February 2008 3:41 PM
12 comment(s)

It was shredded, filled with raw lessons singing. A scream sounded as though from outside... here. He bathed his heart in Dettol, or what appeared to be cleansing the pungent sting taking over.

Filed under: Churn | Posted by Thumper at Tuesday, 12 February 2008 01:57 AM
14 comment(s)